|
[07 May 2009|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
third eye blind. |
] |
i've always said that i welcome change, and that i need new, fresh experiences to keep me happy. i've said that i can't imagine staying in the same place for the rest of my life; i'm the type of person who grows bored and restless. accordingly, and probably not-so-surprisingly, this summer i'll be flying to australia to intern and work.
in celebration of my graduation (right around the corner!), i've been fairly wasted for most of the past week. and before that, my time was consumed by sending emails, making phone calls and setting everything up for my future in australia. this busy lifestyle has kept me from realizing the reality of the situation: while my everything seems to be quite bright at the moment, im going through a major life transition.
there are so many people that i love, scattered around this world, and yet i've chosen to go back to australia for seven months. while there are many factors that have contributed to this decision, a major element is the fact that i'm dating someone there.
in making this decision to live in australia for some time, i of course knew there would be critics. i mean, the truth is people will have something to say about whatever you do, right? but i feel compelled to comment nevertheless.
in going to australia, i am making absolutely no statement about who is the most important to me. i don't think i could ever prioritize the people in my life. i wish everybody could know how important they were to me. i know that i am going to terribly miss so many people when i go to australia. man, i wish i could take everybody with me. but i know if i didn't go, my heart would hurt just as bad.
and so this is one of the toughest situations i've ever been put into. and i know that at times my life seems fairly care-free. but i promise you that i didn't one day drop everything and decide to go to australia. anybody who knows me well knows how carefully i consider things. ive spent countless nights laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the pros and cons of each alternative. trust.
what it comes down to is this: i may have my worries and my crazy thoughts, but i am going to australia on may 28. if anybody feels slighted by this, i sincerely apologize. the world is massive, and it is a physical impossibliity for me to be with everybody i love at all times. it is a physical impossibility for any of us to be with everyone we love at all times. and so i was forced to make a choice, and it was a tough one.
i'll miss everybody so bad, but nothing is permanent, and everything is going to be OK. change is OK.
|
|
| doot doot doot. |
[29 Nov 2008|03:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jem - maybe i'm amazed |
] |
saving money is a bitch.
coping with anxiety is also a bitch.
i need to stop smoking so much pot. i think it is giving me nightmares or something. is that possible?
it's been 6 weeks since my last entry, and in less than 6 weeks liam will be here. that's mildly comforting.
good thing i have no idea what to expect in the future in terms of: - my relationship
- my career
- where i'm going to intern/work
- what country/state/city i'll be living in after college
i guess everything is very up in the air right now. i need to learn how to be OK with that. it's hard to continue being happy every day when nothing in my future is certain, but i am for sure trying. i don't want to be one of those people who spend every day basking in their own sadness and worry.
WITH THAT SAID ---
--- maybe there are some certain things. and maybe through acknowledging them, i will feel better.
let's give it a go:- my mom/stepdad/sister/brother will always, always be there for me.
- i will always have a home to go home to if things don't turn out the way i want them to.
- i've got a few amazing friends who i know i can turn to no matter what.
- i have good grades, and i am good at my chosen major.
- people like me and respect me.
- all of my peers are in pretty similar situations, so at least i'm not alone.
my life isn't perfect, but it's pretty great. i wish i could stop worrying about the future and just be happy with what i've got now. that is a goal i am setting for myself. anybody know any self-help books that could aid in my achieving this goal?
hollaaaa attt meeeee.
|
|
| i cannot wait. |
[17 Oct 2008|12:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the OC |
] |
liambyehigh (4:50:04 AM): and we are organising getting pot sex other drugs if we feel like alcohol movies which arent out here eating massive amounts of food going to diners at like 3 in the morning spooning in ur bed going to the beach freezing making snow angels SHOPPING and just everything u guys do there in america but with me latched on ur arm
only three more months!
|
|
|
[05 Oct 2008|06:29pm] |
you know that i was hoping
that i could leave this star-crossed world behind
when they cut me open.
i guess i changed my mind.
and you know i might
just walk too far from the floor this time,
because they're calling me by my name.
and they're zipping with light beams
to street corners, phones and satellites.
that was the turning point;
that was one lonely night.
the star maker says it ain't so bad
the dream-maker's gonna make you mad
the spaceman says, "everybody look down;
it's all in your mind."
well, now i'm back at home
and i'm looking forward to this life i live
you know its gonna haunt me
so hesitation to this life i give.
you think you might cross over.
you're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
you'd better look it over
before you make that leap.
and you know i'm fine,
but i hear those voices at night,
sometimes, that justify my claim.
and the public don't dwell on my transmission,
because it wasn't televised.
|
|
| random thoughts. |
[10 Jul 2008|12:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the veronicas |
] |
when you're in a relationship, if it's a good one, you really give a piece of yourself to someone else. and actually, it's more than just a piece. it's made up of several pieces. you find yourself sharing with that other person things you've loved your whole life. secret stories and admissions you never thought would leave your mouth are suddenly OK to tell. and, not that this is occurring in my own life right now, because it's not, but that's why break-ups are so fucking scary. ending a relationship obviously means sometimes living in fear of accidentally coming into contact with a new person, place or thing that reminds you of your past significant other. but, i think more importantly, what is so devastating are the old memories and personal experiences that, at one point, only you knew about. these private thoughts and reflections may now remind you of someone else; they're not your own anymore. those are the situations that are inescapable, and those are the situations that are terrifying.
RANDOM because my relationship is actually going really well now, across the world and everything. i think being involved in something serious has just made me realize how much you put on the line in a relationship. you have so much to lose, and yet you keep going. jeez. good luck to all of us.
|
|
| i'll miss you so good. |
[15 Jun 2008|01:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the early november - ever so sweet. |
] |
no matter how many times i try, i can't seem to find the words to say what's on my mind. so many things are going on in my head. but all i know is that i can't imagine not being with these people every day.
|
|
| good things. |
[13 Nov 2007|11:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
brand new - the boy who blocked his own shot |
] |
"this is how it works: you're young until you're not; you love until you don't; you try until you can't; you laugh until you cry; you cry until you laugh; and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.
no, this is how it works: you peer inside yourself; you take the things you like and try to love the things you took. and then you take that love you made, and stick it into someone else's heart pumping someone else's blood. and walking, arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed. but even if it does, you'll just do it all again."
mmm, truth.
and oooooh baby
i'm going to australia on february 13th 2008.
|
|
| "I caught myself thinking once again." |
[29 Oct 2007|01:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wilco - hate it here |
] |
I'm not sure if anybody really reads my livejournal. Most of my friends stopped using their livejournals years ago.
Anyway, sometimes if I feel like shit, I read quotes that remind me that somebody else once felt like shit, but that they got through it.
If that makes sense.
I started collecting the quotes.
Dig it.
If anything is worth doing, do it with all your heart.
You're all geniuses, and you're all beautiful. You don't need anyone to tell you who you are. You are what you are. Get out there and get peace, think peace, and live peace and breathe peace, and you'll get it as soon as you like.
Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it.
I can make no apologies for following my heart.
Being myself is more difficult than you'd suppose.
Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality.
Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of someone else.
I can't let people tell me what to do anymore. I have to stand up for myself, even if it makes some enemies. I believe it will be worth it someday. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you. Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
I didn't name every author because that would be annoying.
But more importantly, some of the authors are embarrassing.
You probably think this entry is pointless, but maybe one day you'll feel like shit and this will make you feel better. p.s. Happy (almostt) Halloween
|
|
| junior year. |
[24 Oct 2007|03:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the killers - all these things that i've done |
] |
First good thing: I haven't updated this journal for more than a year.
I'm now in my junior year of college.
how
fucked
up
is
that.
Another good thing: All of my close friends seem relatively unhappy this year.
What's the deal with growing up and why does it suck?
At least 3 of us have had anxiety attacks this year.
Of my close friends at "home" right now, I think only one of them still lives in Smithtown.
Which brings me to a third good thing: The places we used to hang out are most likely being lived in by some happy 30-year-old couple with their stupid babies who are crowding our schools.
Haha. Just kidding. Kind of.
I miss high school and how easy it was.
Despite all of these AWESOME things, I've been trying to remain optimistic.
On Oprah the other day there was this guy who is dying of pancreatic cancer. And he only has 3 months to live. And he has 3 young kids. And so he was giving his kids advice on the show so that they can watch a tape of it in the future and see what a great guy their dad was. And one piece of advice he gave was: "Don't complain; just work harder."
So that's what I'm trying to do.
I can't wait to study in Australia next semester.
If I don't get accepted, I will kill your first born child.
Yes, you.
:)
okay, BYE
|
|
|
[16 May 2006|11:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jason mraz - absolutely zero |
] |
my first year of college is pretty much over.
wow.
i can honestly say that it's not bullshit when people say college is a life changing experience.
i am......... a completely different person from who i was a year ago.
i was looking back at old entries before, and the only thing that has been consistent in my life are my amazing friends.
hi, i love you guys.
do you realize that tomorrow is my second to last day of my freshman year at new paltz?
that's fucking crazy.
this year has had it's ups and downs.
i got away from home.
i realized some very important things about myself.
i made some of the best friends ever.
i had my first attempt at a real relationship.
i had my first taste of heartache.
i let myself explore things that i'd never let myself before.
i drank, and will continue to drink.
i smoked, and regret it.
i made some friends who i normally wouldn't be friends with.
i made others who are exactly like me.
i loved some classes.
i hated others.
i realized distance doesn't change the relationships with the ones who are really important.
i'm not exactly looking forward to living in my house again.
but i do miss my family and, of course, my friends.
let's make this summer a premium one.
love,
brandon.
|
|
|
[22 Feb 2006|07:32pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
beach boys - sloop john b |
] |
I was reading for english which is actually pretty funny because I never read in high school but I kind of have to here. Anyway, we're reading The Sun Also Rises. I decided that I might have a new favorite quote ever.
"It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing."
We were talking about how Hemingway's writing hits close to home for the reader. I agree. It's not something you need to look deeply into to understand. It's just something everybody has felt at one time or another. And it's real. So I like it.
Hmmmmm things were kind of rough earlier this week. But hey, like that song says, "I get by with a little help from my friends." I'd have to say that it's pretty true even if it sounds cliche and dumb.
I'm going home this weekend.
I miss the ocean.
I miss my family.
I miss my dog.
I miss my bed.
I miss privacy.
I love my island and my home.
What's funny is that I'm probably going to want to leave after 20 minutes. But you know, you win some you lose some.
So that's what's been going on. I hope you're all doing excellently.
-Brando
|
|
| i feel like saying "it's been a while" is an understatement. |
[01 Feb 2006|07:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
boys II men - "i'll make love to you" [schteven's ringtone] |
] |
so, it's been forever.
and college is premium.
i have made some amazing friends here who i know i will never forget.
of course my friends from home never really leave my heart either, this is a definite promise.
i love you all.
i think i'm going to start using this again because i miss it and it's always good to look back on for memories.
aaaand this is how i feel.
peace.
|
|
|
[19 Jun 2005|12:28pm] |
I want to document high school. These are the highlights.
9th grade.
-being petrified because i hated middle school.
-me having almost no friends.
-finally losing 30 lbs and not being fat anymore.
-finally getting rid of my comb-over.
-meeting some of my future best friends.
-"you guysss can i work with you??"
-my mole falling off and me thinking i had cancer.
-making friends in english class.
-realizing that when i act like myself, people like me better.
-realizing that i wasn't comfortable acting like myself when i was fat.
-my first ap class being a joke and setting the trend for all [of my] ap classes to follow.
-my lunch table thinking it was funny to get up and leave while i was getting my lunch.
10th grade.
-me still being a self conscious fuck.
-meeting real friends.
-re-uniting with babs after not talking since 6th grade. "I KNOW YOUUU"
-meeting kelly/kristen who introduced me to "the group."
-re-uniting with amanda after getting a weird first impression in 9th grade.
-gym class with stouter.
-stouter eating children on the first day of class.
-study sessions in the library.
-me forming my own "group."
-back ----> bbackt.
-ap world part II being just as much of a joke as ap world part I.
-"whats the communist economy called?" "COMMUNIST!?"
-april fools day. me almost dying because i was so paranoid.
-sweet 16s.
-ms trifiletti telling my class to go to hell.
-beginning of my dotphoto site.
-best summer of my life [thus far].
-starting to lose my self consciousness by the end of the year.
-realizing that real friends dont leave the lunch table when youre getting your food.
11th grade.
-all the groups of friends collide.
-ap us history = hell. mr cohn wanted my blood.
-SATs = hell #2.
-friends make things okay.
-my first invite to leanne's famous christmas party.
-chemistry being the best and worst class of my life at the same time.
-gym being hilarious.
-re-uniting with christa after not talking to her since 8th grade.
-not reading any books in english but still getting an A for the year because ms belli was stupid.
-lunch being insane.
-"i love the wind..."
-throwing shit down mariah's shirt.
-andrew's drunken parties that i didnt go to.
-people arguing about pot.
-end of the year regents that made me want to cry.
-my mom telling me that i was going to screw up the most important year of my high school career.
-me not screwing up the most important year of my high school career.
-summer not being as good as 10th grade's summer.
-going on my first cruise.
-jr prom.
-six flags.
-everybody getting along.
-me getting my lisence/car.
-getting my first job [STAPLES WOOOHOOO].
-me feeling loved.
-me realizing that im not ugly like i was in 9th grade.
-people thinking that im conceited.
12th grade.
-people stop getting along.
-stupid fights.
-[most] people getting over the stupid fights.
-still wishing things could be great like the summer of 10th grade.
-ap gov being a joke.
-having 982374 classes with cathy.
-having 0 classes with amanda.
-hardly ever going to italian.
-going to calc even less often.
-having 7th 8th and 9th off.
-going to the beach starting in april.
-getting my first sunburn of the season in april.
-meeting new people.
-me and my locker buddy becoming good friends via study hall.
-deciding where to go to college.
-college applications = hell.
-my mom saying that im going to screw up the college application process and end up in suffolk.
-me not screwing up the college application process and deciding on new paltz.
-becoming distant from some people.
-becoming closer to others.
-my mom saying that im too obsessed with my friends.
-me realizing that i love my friends so much because my mom criticizes me too much, making me want to be away from home.
-best birthday ever.
-babs.
-tobez.
-amander.
-cathio.
-feka.
-joanne.
-bbackt ---> jbbackt.
-end of senior year.
-nobody crying like we expected.
-yearbooks coming out okay. but everybody saying they were shitty.
I think this is it up to now. Feel free to add things through commenting. I'm sure this summer will hold a lot of new memories. Like prom. and graduation. and WESTHAMPTON.
High school has been a fucking rollercoaster.
|
|
|
[13 Jun 2005|12:32am] |
it's june.
and im graduating really, really soon.
and then it will be the best summer of my life because if it's not im going to be angered.
peaceeee LATA.
|
|
| update |
[17 Apr 2005|08:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my chemical romance - it's not a fashion statement... |
] |
Life is good. I really don't know what to say. I'm really
thankful for everything I have. I'm so grateful for my friends
and how much they care about me. And today I had an awesome day
at the beach with some of them, and then got to go out to dinner with my
family, and I remembered how awesome they are. When we get
along, my brother and my sister and me are like really good
friends. And when my parents arent getting on my nerves, they're
really good listeners and stuff. I dont know I guess I take them
for granted sometimes. Because they really will always be there
for me and I'm so lucky to have that.
Friday was Laurens party and it was such a good time. Happy
Birthday! I'm really glad I"ve become closer friends with her
this year... she's definitely a cool kid.
The rest of the weekend was also fun. A lot of beach. Mall. Stuff like that.
( Here are pictures if you care )
More pictures are available for your viewing pleasure at my dotphoto site.
That is all.
By the way, Feka = me, tobez, and kristen. Andrew will never be a part. No matter how hard he tries. =).
-Brando
|
|
| you guys are fucking amazing |
[19 Mar 2005|01:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rooney - that girl has love |
] |
I just wanted to thank everybody for making my 18th birthday party so fucking amazing. Just for being there you seriously made me feel loved. All of you are so important to me. And a special thanks to Kristen for like doing the whole party. And Kristen's parents for letting us have it at their house. And thank you all for eating the food because it tasted good. I'm really tired. You're all so thoughtful! I hope that I'm that way towards all of you. Or something. I can't really think. Good night. LATER.
|
|
| so it's been a while... |
[12 Mar 2005|03:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
papa roach - scars |
] |
Things have been going well. This semester is going by like a fucking
breeze. I only have 6 classes everyday. I'm waiting for
this weather to warm up. It seems like every time it hits 45
degrees, it snows the next day. What the fuck, mannnn.
Sometimes I really like how things are going. Well most of the
time. And then sometimes I regret things not being the way they
were a longggg time ago. And how it's not one person's fault but
everybody's fault, really. But I guess some things you just can't
change. And I don't know if it's how they were "meant to be" or
whatever. But it is what it is.
So Senior Banquet was a pretty cool time. I'm going to try this
livejournal cut thing to spare you all from looking at my pictures if
you don't want to.
( But you know you want to... )
Hmm....Everytime they said "Senior Class of '05! ;laksdjf" I felt weird. Yeah.
That is all.
-Brandon
|
|
| KDreamer616: would u really not talk to me again if i married michael jackson |
[20 Feb 2005|01:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
yellowcard - view from heaven |
] |
This vacation is EFFING HOT HAHAHA. jk lol. Good times yesterday
though. Met up with people at Tic Toc and Nicole made me think
she died but it's okay because she had a reason. And fun times at
Babs' house. We watched the best movie EVER. Empire
Records. I definitely recommend it. HAHA just kidding, I
wouldn't know, I didn't really watch it. I was distracted by
Amanda's dirty secrets. And the popcorn on her breast. Ask
Kevin, he knows. Mmmm thanks for the people who went out and got
food at like 11pm because I was starving. Uhh can't wait for
tonight. woot. Kristen wants to marry Michael Jackson.
KDreamer616: michael jackson <3
Enough said.
|
|
|
[12 Feb 2005|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Desaparecidos - The happiest place on earth |
] |
So the other day, I was reminiscing about middle school. And I told Christa I'd put this in my livejournal. It's one of the few memories I remember. We were having a party in italian class, and me and Christa decided to deliver some food to Mr. Howe, our 6th grade math teacher. On the way there I guess christa asks, "Do I have anything on my face? like food?" and I was like "no nothing at all" and then by instinct I asked "what about me?" and she goes "...yeah you might want to clean your face before we get there." And she definitely just did that so that I wouldn't be embarassed when I walked into the class looking like a mess. And I thought that was so cool of her.
Then the other day, a couple of us were at panera bread. And Leanne had something on her face. So I tried to use Christa's method of telling her there was something there. And it didnt really work. So I just flat out told her and she laughed.
Whenver theres something on my face I want people to tell me.
There's not a point in the world for this update.
I made a new icon. I think it's cool. I made it using Photoshop. I have a 30 day free trial. I don't know what I'm going to do after that's over, though.
I have nothing to talk about, really. Since I'm jealous of Steph, I'm going to go take some pictures with black and white film. She inspires me.
Goodbye all
-Brando
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
sick
